A Couple of Interesting Profiles

I recently asked the question “Who are some of the most interesting people that you have ever met?” to one of my favorite people in the world. I was extremely complimented by being among the list, but I also realize that to be very interesting, you must have an element of crazy. Here are some people that I’ve met this summer that weigh heavily on crazy…

1. “Get that man some juice!”

(I am not actually in this video, but received a similar treatment)

John H. Pettipas, nice to meet you sir. When I think of you, words like “enthusiastic” and “nutso” come to mind. But you are very clearly an extremely successful business man.

This was my experience:

“Nicole, here’s 20 bucks, I am going to get gas, I’ll see you soon.”

Real cool, Donnie, real cool.

So I get dropped off at the most ridiculous looking souvenir shop of all time. There is something there to appeal to everyone… American flags, Cape Breton flags, cats made entirely of shells… tacky and beautiful. I walk in, and much to my surprise, nobody notices me at all. I peruse, contemplating whether sending the cat to Amanda and kate would be worth it or not… minding my own business when-

“WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DIDNTREALIZEANYONEWASINHERE! COMEWITHMEYOUNGLADY. STATEYOURNAMEANDYOURBUSINESS, WHOAREYOU? HERE, GRABTWOCUPSNOW, ONEFORYOU, ONEFORME, HAVESOMEJUICE!”

Ahhhh, so this is why Donnie wanted me to meet Mr. Pettipas… so I drink juice and tell him I’m from Kansas, to which he does not make the usual response (i.e. Oh… did you follow the yellow brick road to get here???), but instead started making phone calls around North America, trying to find some poor bloke that used to work for him (we’re talking multiple calls to the US)… we pretty much have this conversation when he finally reaches his old coworker:

HIM: “Hello?”

ME: “Hi. Uhhh, I hear you’re from Kansas.”

“Yeah…”

“I am also from Kansas.” (pause) “So where are you from?”

“Hays”

“Oh! Do you remember the house walnut street with all of the Christmas decorations?”

“Yeah, I think so, yes.”

“That was my grandmother’s house.” (Note on grandma, she too could get a profile here. In the back room of the house, she glued each one of her grandchildren’s faces on a wooden angel and suspended them from the ceiling).

“Oh wow, cool…. Yeah…”

“Ok, well… bye.”

Thanks John, I am glad that we had that conversation. However, the best part of the Pettipas experience, was when Donnie walked in… I’m in the back room with Pettipas, looking at the business card of the man that used to live in Kansas. Pettipas is on the phone with someone that may have known Kansas-man at some point in time.

Pettipas To Donnie: “Oj! Hey! Welcome Welcome!”

To me, before he knows Donnie is my friend: “You! Get that man some juice!” bah! I don’t know where the cups are! “Get ‘em some juice!”

Sorry Donnie. Someday, you’ll get your juice. Though I don’t think that you deserve it for dropping me off there.

__________________________

“Did you purchase anything?”

“I just gave him 5 dollars.”

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2. “I’ll be a tyrant, but like… a good tyrant.”

The second profile earned is my “small cousin” (their name for 4^th cousin. Though really, he is my fake-4^th cousin. I don’t think that there is a name for that). His name is Joze… I had heard a lot about him but not yet met him.

I still don’t know too much about Joze, but I do know that A. He likes physics. A lot. And B. He dreams about ruling the world. Or at least, he does at the moment. He used to dream of setting up a settlement in another universe, but that was when he was 13. When he turned 14 and unlocked the ultimate wisdom of 8^th graders, he realized that of course he could not set up a space settlement, because even if you could somehow travel faster than the speed of light, you would have to communicate even faster, so that you could send messages between galaxies and then also get there in time to help.

Anyway, his plan for conquering the world looks like this…

a. Set up some sort of huge disaster

b. Come in and fix the problem, while being kind and gentle and powerful

But you ask… what is this staged disaster in the works?: Why of course, shutting down all methods of communication and power throughout the world.

Sound familiar? This is a fire sale.

Now, had he told me this plan a few months ago, perhaps I would have been worried, but not now:

Yippiekaye, mf.